


Seared

by insouciant



Category: Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-20 16:41:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insouciant/pseuds/insouciant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor and Loki find the truth of their pasts through the drift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trial and Error

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my bday girl, [marty](http://marty-mc.tumblr.com)
> 
> a Pacific Rim AU (similar to the film, but not really)
> 
> prompt: Thor, Balder, and Loki were once "brothers", but they are unaware of it due to unfortunate circumstances. As a child, Loki is saved by Laufey, the Marshall leading the Jaeger Project, and is adopted and raised by him. Just like the film, Thor and Balder were once copilots, but Balder is killed by a Kaiju. Five years later, Thor returns to the program and meets Loki.

A child is lost.

A child is afraid.

A child is crying.

A child is sad.

A child is alone, all alone.

What has happened?

 

A child screams. _Someone answer me! Someone help me!_

No one answers, but one. And the one answer comes with a roar.

It comes with a roar with two terrifying, yellow eyes.

 

A child runs.

A child hears the heavy thuds following behind him.

A child hides.

 

A child shuts his green eyes tight from the broken world and prays.

_I don’t want to be here anymore._

 

\--

 

A man opens his eyes with a start and the green inside them glimmer under the dim light.

 

A man is lost.

A man is afraid.

A man is crying.

A man is sad.

A man is alone.

What has happened?

 

_A goddamn dream is what happened._

 

An old memory visits him restlessly and this old memory never fades, or rusts, or taints like anything else that grows old.

 

_I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this._

 

His short conversation as a child with Laufey replays inside his head alongside his chants.

 

_Can I drive a Jaeger?_

_Someday, kid, someday._

 

That _someday_ has become way past due.

He needs to prove his father—although he never calls Laufey, _father_ , it’s been years since he’s called him that inside his mind—that he is in control.

 

\--

 

_Things have changed. We’re not an army anymore. We are the resistance._

 

Laufey’s words ring inside his ears. With only four Jaegers left and the Kaiju attacking more rapidly, the governments around the world have finally lost their faith in the Jaeger Project. The final orders were to immediately transfer to the last Shatterdome in Hong Kong.

Laufey’s words were bitter. Yet, he found no sign of defeat in neither his face nor voice, simply pure determination to call an end to this once and for all.

 

This meant his chance to drive the Jaeger was becoming slimmer and slimmer. He would rather die fighting inside the Jaeger than evacuate to a sanctuary counting his last days in fear as the Kaiju destroy his world, one city at a time.

 

\--

 

It’s a rainy day. He enjoys rainy days. Rain hides the tears from his face.

 

As an adult, though, he now chooses to use an umbrella to hide from the rain. He’s not a child anymore. He’s in control of himself. He cannot afford to drench himself in sorrow. He cannot continue reminding himself that his life was never happy, even before the Kaiju attack.

 

Laufey returns from his last recruit mission, his last recruit being Thor Odinson. Once a star pilot along with his brother, Balder, he had destroyed many Kaiju during his career until his brother was killed by one. That was the last of his missions.

 

He lifts the umbrella for a better view of the grey world just in time to see the Chopper land outside the dome. A pair of men leaves the Chopper, one familiar man in his familiar uniform while the other carries a duffle bag wearing an untrimmed beard and an uncaring expression on his face.

 

He approaches them with an extra umbrella. Laufey acknowledges his presence with a nod.

 

“Thor Odinson, meet Loki Laufeyson, one of the brightest Rangers from the academy.”

 

There is a couple seconds of quiet observation before Thor smirks and nods.

 

“Laufeyson, meet Odinson. He’ll be driving the Mark-3 Jaeger, Viking Thunder.”

 

Loki nods in return. They do not exchange handshakes.

 

\--

 

Without much small talk, Loki shows Thor to his room, which is right across his. He sees Thor’s mind is elsewhere. Loki knows that he’s reminiscing the days he shared his bunk with his brother. _Dinner’s at six_ , Loki reminds him before he retreats to his bunk.

 

\--

 

At dinner, of course, Tony Stark welcomes the returned star with arrogance and insults. His father, also his copilot driving the Mark-5 Jaeger, Iron Extremis, bites his lips and sighs deciding whether to shout at him or simply push him off the table. Loki watches in silence as he shares some of his food with Jarvis, Tony’s dog who favors Loki more than anyone else, but his mind is elsewhere.

 

_Odinson’s partner will be selected tomorrow._

 

One last chance to become a pilot with only one position left.

 

\--

 

Loki nearly loses control of himself that night after dinner. Laufey is assertive in his decision that Loki will not be joining as one of the candidates to become Thor Odinson’s copilot.

 

“You promised me!” Loki shouts, his usual calm demeanor breaking down in tears.

 

“It’s too dangerous, Loki. With the both of you inside the Jaeger, it’s just too much. You know that I have no-”

 

“You promised me, _sir._ ” Loki wipes his tears, his cheeks reddened from anger and disappointment. After a heavy silence, Laufey lowers his eyes to the ground. That was it. There was no way for Loki to change his father’s mind.

 

When Laufey turns to look at him, Loki pushes out a smile that reminds Laufey so much of the first time they met, Loki, a little child lost amongst the destroyed streets running away desperately from the Kaiju. Never has he seen a smile so sad from a child so young.

 

“Good night, sir.” Before he can apologize, Loki nods and leaves the office quickly.

 

\--

 

Loki observes the tryouts with a poker face, his voice cold as he announces the score Thor’s accumulating as he defeats his candidates one after another. He had a terrible night, his memories— _were they even his?_ —returned like an old friend and haunted him all night long, strange voices and laughter and warmth that he doesn’t remember ever receiving from anyone besides Laufey.

 

As the last candidate is pushed to the floor and Laufey lets known that the result will be announced tomorrow morning, Thor unexpectedly throws a wooden staff at Loki, causing him to drop his notes and pen, but he catches it deftly nonetheless, like it’s his second nature.

 

“Let’s see how well the brightest can fight,” Thor says with a daring smile and Loki’s heart beats in both nervousness and excitement. He turns his eyes hopefully towards Laufey. He silently mouths _please_.

 

After a few long seconds, there’s a nod from his father.

 

Loki has to bite his lips hard from smiling too much.

 

\--

 

The duel draws more eyes than just the candidates. Loki reminds himself that _he is in control_. One match after another, the result of the duel is unpredictable. Loki is pushed to the ground the first two matches, the edge of Thor’s staff pointing at his neck. However, Loki is quick to get on his feet, his face unreadable, and then the game changes.

 

In the end, it is Thor on the ground as Loki uses his weight against him and pins him in an arm lock. As Laufey announces Loki’s victory, he stands up with a satisfied smile and offers a hand to Thor. Being lifted up from the ground and seeing the crowd leave the combat room for dinner, Thor announces with a firm voice to Laufey, “We’re Drift compatible.”

 

\--

 

What's done is done. Loki knows this and stands next to his father, Laufey, in this matter although he prays that Thor would argue harder and firmer until Laufey gives in.

 

“It was a simple match. That’s not enough for you to decide that we’re Drift compatible,” Loki replies calmly.

 

“What I’ve been doing all afternoon long was a series of simple matches. Besides, I don’t need tangible evidence to know we’re Drift compatible. I felt it in my guts and I’m pretty sure you did, too.” Thor seems adamant and although, Laufey looks at him with his sharp eyes trying to make him feel vulnerable, it is useless.

 

“We’re Drift compatible,” Thor repeats assertively once more.

 

“No,” Laufey finally answers as he passes both Loki and Thor to leave.

 

“Well, we’ll never know unless we try, right? Just one trial is all I ask, sir.” Thor shouts behind him hoping to change the Marshall’s stubborn mind.

 

“Just one trial, sir,” Loki repeats quietly, one step behind.

 

It isn’t Thor’s pleading that stops Laufey, but rather Loki’s quiet, but desperate, request. When he turns around, he sees Thor smiling brightly at Loki for finally supporting his idea.

 

“Just. Once.” Laufey says in low voice.

 

\--

 

“So what is it that you’re so worried about, Marshall?” A voice behind Laufey asks. He thought everyone has gone to sleep already for the _big day_ tomorrow, but of course, Heimdall, _the all seeing_ as all the others call him, is awake too keep the young Rangers away from trouble.

 

“It’s too unpredictable,” he answers handing his friend a bottle of beer from the small fridge inside his office.

 

“There have been many Jaeger pilots who were in no way related, yet showed such compatibility. I don’t even have to look far; there’s you and there’s me.” He comments.

 

“It’s not the fact that they’re unrelated that worries me. It’s the fact that they have so much repressed memories within them. Loki barely remembers anything before the Kaiju attack. He doesn’t remember whether he had a family or if he grew up an orphan; nothing. That’s ten years of memories right there.

 

And you remember the Odinsons. It was the same case. They had so much memories repressed from the shock of losing their parents from the Kaiju attack. You know what happened on the first several trials. They kept finding new memories that were hidden so deep within them. At least they had each other to help out, but Loki? I have no idea how he’s going to react if the dam breaks and all the memories start flooding in.”

 

Laufey rubs his eyes tiredly. Unable to forget the boy’s sad smile, he finally made a decision to adopt him after he lost his copilot due to cancer, the Jaeger’s neural reactor becoming too much for her. He’s raised the boy to fend for himself and keep in control of his unpredictable breakdowns he’s had all throughout his childhood.

 

Doctors told Laufey that the random breakdowns were caused by Loki’s repressed memories. _Something must have triggered them to come out causing him to breakdown like that._ Laufey would shout at them sometimes, because he needed to know what that something was. He needed to protect this child from further harm.

 

 _Memory repression_ became a global phenomenon caused by Kaiju attacks all around the world. This phenomenon was widespread between children, who have witnessed a Kaiju and who have survived the attack while their families and friends have not. Unable to handle the traumatizing experience, they would simply hide certain memories somewhere deep inside them where no one, including themselves, would never retrieve them.

 

Loki was one of the unfortunate ones to have suffered this, his case being more severe and rare, since he remembers clearly the day he was chased by a Kaiju, but has repressed 99 percent of his memories that came before the attack.

 

When Loki finally recovered from his temporary mutism, caused by extreme anxiety, and began speaking to Laufey only for the first ten months, he only remembered his name and age.

 

“Laufey, get some rest,” Heimdall wakes Laufey up from his thoughts and advices, placing his hand on his shoulder. “It’s going to happen one way or another. Like Odinson said, we’ll never know unless we try it.”

 

\--

 

Loki skips breakfast and stays inside his bunk all morning long. He couldn’t get much sleep. Another series of strange memories disturbed him from sleeping and it worries him knowing how the nightmares seem to be happening more often these days. He tries to concentrate, focusing his mind on this afternoon’s Drift trial.

 

From push-ups to sit-ups to meditation, he keeps himself busy, but every time he closes his eyes, he sees the Kaiju, his yellow eyes staring back at him.

 

 _I’m in control. I’m in control. I’m in control._ He repeats over and over to drown the deadly roar ringing inside his ears.

 

\--

 

Loki prepares himself for the last time before he heads to the Conn-Pod, the center of the Jaeger, but before he can reach for the door, he hears loud knocks.

 

“You ready, partner?” There is Thor with an assuring smile. Loki smiles back, although his smile’s barely visible, and nods.

 

They walk in silence and Loki thinks it odd how as copilots they’ve barely spoken ever since they were introduced, but he doesn’t doubt their partnership. Although he never admitted, he felt it in his guts, too. Something connected within them in the combat room the other day.

 

As they stand at the center of the Conn-Pod, Thor on the right and Loki on the left, the technicians busily prepare for the drift process, wishing them good luck. The helmets, known as _Pons_ , which enables two brains to share a singular consciousness, are the first, and then the spinal clamps come afterwards, connecting the spines of both pilots together.

 

Loki looks forward nervously. _This is it. This is it._

 

“I know you know all of this already, but don’t focus on a single memory, okay? Just let it flow, buddy. Let it flow.” Loki turns his head to his right and sees Thor giving him that smile again, to reassure him that it’ll be okay. He nods and he is suddenly hit with the realization that they will soon become one; their minds will be melded together.

 

_My memories will become his._

 

\--

 

“Rangers, this is Marshall Laufey. Prepare for neural handshake,” Laufey’s voice rings clearly from the intercom.

 

_Initiating neural handshake in fifteen seconds._

 

The Jaeger A.I. starts the countdown.

 

Loki’s Heavy breaths indicate how nervous he is, and how excited he is for this. All his life, he has waited for this moment, to prove himself a competent pilot, to make Laufey, a brave and kindhearted man who’s raised Loki nearly all his life, proud.

 

_15, 14, 13, 12, 11 …_

 

Listening to the countdown, Loki turns his eyes to see Thor beside him, showing his nervousness for the first time, even after five years, his mind still deep in sorrow from the feeling of loss, the loss of his brother.

 

_9, 8, 7, 6, 5 … Calibrating._

 

For the first time, Loki worries about their connection. One man filled with grief and _the goddamn silence—_ he’s heard Thor tell Howard Stark about it, about what happens when the connection is gone—and Loki, himself, filled with solitude and haunted memories; _it’s just too much,_ Laufey warned him knowing full well the effect the connection will have on both of them.  _Well, we’ll never know unless we try_.

 

 _4, 3, 2, 1 …_ _Neural handshake initiated._

 

Two pairs of eyes are shut at the exact moment and the darkness that welcomes them changes immediately with images of their memories flashing across them.

 

They feel it, the loss of Thor’s brother, Balder, bleeding inside the Conn-Pod unable to move, and Thor yelling, _you stay with me!_

 

Loki feels Thor’s thoughts shouting at himself, _gotta move on. Gotta move on!_

 

They feel it, Loki’s despair unable to find anyone in the desolated city and his overwhelming fear as the Kaiju ran towards him with those yellow eyes and deafening roar.

 

 _It’s going to be okay,_ he feels, rather than hearing, Thor’s assuring whisper.

 

Then they see their memories entwine and take them even deeper, three children laughing and chasing each other around the dining table as their mother prepares for dinner. There is Thor, his blonde hair short and messy, trying to get a hold of his baby brother, yet too young to outrun his older brothers. He holds him dearly in his arms sticking his tongue out at Balder, then he whispers into the child’s ear, _It’s going to be okay. I won’t let him hurt you, Loki._

 

Both men open their eyes with a loud gasp, unable to breathe for a moment.

 

Then suddenly, Loki is shouting _disengage, disengage_ like a madman. He disconnects himself from the Conn-Pod harness nearly breaking his arm. Thor tries to calm him down, also trying to remove the harness from his suit, but Loki keeps struggling, tears staining his face.

 

Finally, Thor is able to reach out for Loki, but he is pushed to the ground with a vicious force. Once connected, their connections will be permanent until death, and Thor feels the anger and betrayal fuming out of Loki.

 

“It was never okay. _Never_.” He spits out, pushing Thor harder to the ground.

 

Thor wipes his eyes and notices he’s been crying. He’s not sure if the tears belong to him, or to Loki. _Maybe both._

 

\--

 

Loki has shut himself in his bunk. Curious eyes follow Thor all throughout his walk from the Conn-Pod to the Local Command Center, where he knows there will be more questioning eyes. And this time, they will verbalize their questions instead of silent inquiries.

 

Before Thor can explain what caused Loki’s breakdown, Laufey cuts in, ordering him to follow him to his office.

 

“Sir, it’s my-” Thor is ready to take all the blame. Loki doesn’t deserve anymore burden on his shoulders, no more.

 

“You can explain later. Our clock is ticking. Go find Loki and work it out. There is no one else who can fix this. Thor, you know how this works. You had a copilot before,” Laufey reminds him and Thor’s body momentarily freezes as the raw memory of Balder falling—the fear, the helplessness, and then, the nothingness—take over him.

 

“I understand, sir,” Thor answers clearing his mind.

 

“I should have known,” Laufey mutters to himself, although audible to Thor. “There is no such thing as trials. Once the mind and body connect, there is no going back.”

 

“I take full responsibility for what happened in the Conn-Pod, sir. I lingered on my memory a second too long and it must have affected Loki. I apologize,” he looks down in shame.

 

“Like I said, you can explain later. You’re dismissed. Go find Loki, now,” Laufey says as he turns his back on him, his eyes full of concern of his son.

 

_There is no going back now._

 


	2. The Forgotten Past

“What do you boys think of having a new friend come over and stay with us for a while?”

 

Frigga and Odin asked with a smile, but in reality, their hearts were beating rather fast. Many things would come to change depending on their sons’ answer. When the couple finally made up their mind about the matter after discussing carefully for a whole month, they came to the decision that they were indeed willing to commit to this. Then came the next question: _Were our sons willing to commit as well?_

 

“What’s his name?”

“How old is he?”

“Is he tall?”

“Can we go meet him now?”

“Does he play sports?”

“What does he look like?”

“Does he have a phone?”

“Do you have his picture?”

“When is he coming?”

“Does he go to my school?”

“Does he like animals?”

“Can he swim?”

“Is he coming today?”

 

Unlike their worries, the two boys went on and on with their childish inquiries, already excited to meet their new friend and wanting to know more about him.

 

“Who said that your new friend was going to be boy?”

 

Then the boys freeze, their faces twisted slightly in worry.

Frigga and Odin held their hands tight to keep themselves from laughing.

 

It seemed, at first, that everything was going to work out well.

 

\--

 

The boy had no expression.

The boy didn’t ask and didn’t answer.

The boy didn’t even look at them.

 

Frigga had to bite her lips hard from crying in front of the boy. Such expressionless face, such impenetrable wall built around him that did not belong to a child so young.

 

The boy’s name was Loki, Frigga and Odin’s first and last foster child.

 

\--

 

“Hey, what’s your name?” Balder asked.

“How old are you?” Thor asked next.

“Where are you from?”

“How long are you going to stay with us?”

“Did you bring anything with you?”

“Do you wanna see our room?”

 

And on and on, they went with several more questions until they realized that the boy wasn’t answering, that he didn’t seem interested at all.

 

They both carefully moved their eyes from the boy and looked at their parents, who seemed just as worried about the situation as they were.

 

Taking a big gulp of air, Thor moved forward first towards the boy like an older brother should. He lowered his face so that his eyes were right where Loki’s were.

 

“My name is Thor and I just turned twelve. He’s Balder and he’s ten years old. What about you? What’s your name?” He smiled hopefully at the boy, but to no avail, he didn’t even open his mouth.

 

“Boys, this is Loki and he’ll be staying with us for a while.” Odin spoke.

 

“For how long?” Balder asked quickly, suddenly worried that their summer with this new visitor may not be as fun as they had imagined.

 

“For an indefinite period of time,” their dad had muttered, but Thor and Balder were caught with the word ‘indefinitely’. _What did that even mean?_

 

“Show him to his room and you boys behave, alright?” Frigga reminded them gently and the boys nodded with a bit of hesitance. They weren’t even sure if the boy would let them touch him.

 

“Hey, Loki, come on, we’re gonna go to our room,” Thor said gently and for a moment he imagined Balder and him having to carry the mysterious boy to their shared room; head and shoulders carried by Thor while Balder held his legs.

 

Surprisingly, however, Loki followed them to their room, carrying a small bag. Thor caught the concerned look on his parents’ face as they headed upstairs.

 

\--

 

Thor pointed at the tidy bed; the bed were made neatly with green sheets and blankets that matched the boy’s eyes, while Thor’s were red and Balder’s, blue.

 

Once Loki settled on the bed, Balder was already distracted by the book he’d started reading the day before and quickly forgot about Loki’s presence, but Thor was well aware of him in their room.

 

He thought it strange that from his bag, Loki only took out two t-shirts and two pants. Maybe ‘indefinitely’ meant a very short time, since Loki didn’t bring many clothes.

 

\--

 

Dinner passed in an awkward silence, something the Odin family rarely had. Even the boys, today, were quiet rather than being their chatty selves.

 

Thor had never seen a boy around his age talk so little, actually, not talk at all.

 

\--

 

Loki’s silence became something Balder became scared of very soon. And the first night Loki had joined the family, Balder burst into tears, not wanting to share the same room with the boy who wouldn’t talk to him. Maybe he didn’t talk to him because he hated him and Balder just couldn’t think of why the boy must hate him.

 

Odin insisted that Balder remain in his room, to get to know each other better, but in the end, Balder was sound asleep between Frigga and Odin in their bed, while Thor and Loki laid in their beds in silence.

 

\--

 

Thor couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t fall asleep, especially with the strange boy sleeping near him. He still didn’t know how old he was, or what he liked, or where he was from. He tried asking his mom, but she suggested that he ask the boy instead for answers.

 

As he planned on how to make the boy talk to him tomorrow, he suddenly heard a sniffle, and then more sniffles.

 

“Loki, are you alright?” He asked, but of course, the boy wouldn’t answer.

 

Thor bit his lips unsure of what to do. Of course, he knew what he had to do—he had plenty of experiences of comforting Balder when he couldn’t go to sleep because he was scared—but he wasn’t sure how Loki would react.

 

Finally, Thor got up from his bed and grabbed a handful of tissues from the nightstand, dropping a couple of robot figurines in the process, and sat himself on Loki’s bed uninvited.

 

“My parents left me to stay at uncle’s for a whole week one time, because Balder got sick a lot when he was little and had to go to the hospital. I hated it. I mean uncle and aunt are nice, but it’s just, my cousins can be very mean sometimes. So I understand how you feel. I know you don’t want to be here, but just think, in a few days, you’ll be able to go back to your home.” Thor felt embarrassed, because he felt like he was talking to himself, but he knew he had to do something. Loki was crying for some reason and he really wanted to help.

 

“I don’t have anywhere to go.” A small, shaky voice replied and Thor’s eyes widened in surprise. _He answered me!_ Thor rejoiced, but soon his happy face turned into a worried one as he understood what the boy had said.

 

“You can stay with us, Loki, as long as you like. I promise you, we’re not mean.” Thor said carefully, but the crying seemed to worsen rather than stop.

 

The bed dipped as extra weight was added on. Once again, Thor had done something without Loki’s permission. This time, he lied beside him, making the boy freeze.

 

“Here,” Thor dibbed his handful of tissues on Loki’s reddened face. “Crying stings your face. I know, ‘cause Balder said so. Actually,” he lowered his voice. “I know, ‘cause I used to cry a lot, too, when I was young, but don’t tell Balder that.”

 

Finally, the crying lessened to quiet hiccups and Loki had taken the tissues from Thor’s hand. Thor smiled at him when their eyes met briefly.

 

“Don’t worry too much. It’s going to be okay. Mom would always say that when Balder and I used to cry. I thought she was lying just to make us stop crying, but it really got okay, so I guess it’s true.” Thor continued to talk, although he knew Loki wasn’t going to answer, as he fiddled with the green blanket. He was getting used to it anyways.

 

“Seven,” a small voice said beside him.

 

“Huh?” Thor asked turning his face to Loki who was looking elsewhere.

 

“I’m almost eight, though.” Loki continued.

 

His eyes worriedly found Thor’s and Thor gave him a big smile in return.

 

\--

 

Next morning, Balder found the two boys deep asleep under the green blanket.

 

“Guys,” Balder said in a quiet voice still unsure about how Loki would react. “Mom told me to wake you up.”

 

However, there was no movement, not even a slight twitch from the boys. Balder walked closer, his finger ready to poke Thor in the face.

 

“Argh!” Then Thor jumped from the bed with a mighty roar, pushing Balder to the floor. Balder’s surprised scream soon changed to laughter as his brother began tickling him.

 

When their casual morning wrestling finally came to end, Loki had woken up from the noise and sat up from the bed, watching the boys with tired eyes.

 

“Good morning,” Balder said nervously.

 

“Good morning,” answered back Loki with a quiet voice and that drew a huge smile on Balder’s face, making Thor burst into laughter.

 

As they left their room with their wonderful bed hairs and striped pajamas, Thor had said to Loki, “You should thank me for not waking you up like that,” bumping his shoulder to his. And although there was no answer in return, both Balder and Thor felt Loki bumping his shoulder back to theirs.

 

\--

 

Two t-shirts and two pants turned into three, then four, then more, until the boys could no longer share the chest drawers together.

 

Loki was no longer “almost eight” and silent.

He was eight years old and running around the kitchen with Thor and Balder.

 

Balder volunteered to be the monster this time, because he was tired of being chased. _I would rather be the chaser_ , he said. So he chased the two boys roaring like a real monster from the movies they watched a couple nights ago, while Thor and Loki ran away screaming. Balder easily caught up to Loki, who was the slowest runner from the three of them. Loki had shouted “help” as he felt the tip of Balder’s fingers on his back when Thor came to the rescue. Cutting between the boys and holding the youngest one dearly in his arms.

 

“It’s going to be okay. I won’t let him hurt you, Loki.” Thor said as he jumped at Balder bravely defeating the monster who yelled “surrender” repeatedly, squashed below Thor.

 

Frigga shook her head at the noise, but there was a smile on her face.

 

\--

 

Sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month, and at bad days, every single day for nearly a week, Loki would return to his old self. On those days, Loki would keep himself silent and refuse to leave the bed. He would cry for no apparent reason and would not tell anyone why he was crying.

 

Frigga and Odin seemed to understand why Loki was acting strange, but Balder and Thor never fully grasped why. Their mother once told them, “Loki had been hurt many times when he was little and sometimes, his scars still hurt. I know it’s hard to understand, but promise me you’ll help him out when he’s hurt.” They both answered yes and nodded, but they thought it strange, because they didn’t see any scars on Loki’s body.

 

\--

 

One night, Thor woke from his sleep to find Loki carefully lifting the blankets from his bed to join him. Thor shifted his body to make more space for him.

 

“I like your red blanket,” Loki whispered.

 

“We can switch if you want it,” Thor answered, rubbing his eyes.

 

“No, I like the color on you,” Loki replied and Thor noticed that he was crying.

 

“Are you hurting again?” He asked carefully and Loki nodded wiping his tears away.

 

“I don’t like liking you. I don’t like liking Balder. I don’t like liking Mr. and Mrs. Odin. I don’t like liking anything, because you’re going to leave me. They’re going to put me in another house. They’re all nice at first, but they never keep me forever.” Loki covered his mouth from crying too loud. He didn’t want to wake Balder up. He shouldn’t have woken Thor in the first place, but he hurt too much tonight.

 

“It’s going to be okay, Loki.” Thor assured him, but he saw so much doubt in Loki’s eyes that he knew this wasn’t going to be enough tonight. “I promise. I promise as your big brother that it’ll be okay.”

 

“You’re not my brother,” Loki corrected him with a sniffle.

 

“I know, but people from the TV always call each other brothers when they’re good friends. To me, you’re just like Balder. You guys are my little brothers.” Thor said as he wrapped his arms around Loki, giving him a tight hug.

 

They lied still minute after minute until Thor was falling asleep again. He squeezed Loki’s hand tight for the last time and muttered, “If it’s not okay, promise me you’ll tell me. I’ll be there. I’ll help you.”

 

Thor fell asleep before Loki could answer. _I hope so._

 

\--

 

They spent the whole summer together, playing games and watching movies. Frigga took the boys to the public pool one time, but it didn’t go well with Loki. No one complained though, since Odin got them an inflatable pool and they spent the whole day splashing water at each other. It was a secret to the boys that their water bill increased drastically during those three months.

 

\--

 

They spent the whole autumn together. Loki had been in and out of many schools all his life. Unfortunately, schools didn’t go well with Loki and although the boys weren’t aware, Frigga and Odin had an awfully busy summer, preparing something different for him.

 

“I don’t have to go to school?” Loki asked in surprise and Thor and Balder had their mouths opened wide next to him.

 

“You can stay home with us, but that doesn’t mean you’re excused from learning.” Frigga emphasized. “Homeschooling is _school at home_ , darling.”

 

Of course, Loki had said _yes_. However, what Frigga and Odin did not expect was Balder and Thor holding onto their clothes, not intending to ever let go, until they had no choice but to let the boys join this _school at home_. And the whole evening was spent with Balder and Thor proudly showing off to their friends that they will be homeschooled this year with their new brother, Loki.

 

\--

 

They spent the whole winter together. Loki said that this was his best Christmas ever as he hugged everyone in the family. That evening, the boys ran around the house, each holding a robot fighting against imaginary monsters.

 

In January, they celebrated Balder’s 11th birthday. Thor and Loki got in trouble for smudging the cake all over their brother’s face, but in the end, everyone was chasing each other, running around the house, and running out of breath laughing.

 

\--

 

Spring had come, when Frigga and Odin called for Loki after dinner. “We would love to talk to you before you go back to your room,” they said and Loki’s heart stopped for a moment. _They’re going to send me back._

 

Loki couldn’t answer. Loki couldn’t stand from his seat. Loki wasn’t okay. So Loki grabbed onto Thor’s hand and didn’t let go.

 

“I don’t wanna go,” he whispered, his eyes already tearing up.

 

Thor looked at him carefully and then his parents who were already seated in the living room couch, patiently waiting for Loki. Thor didn’t answer. Thor knew Loki wasn’t okay.

So Thor squeezed Loki’s hand in return and told him it was going to be okay.

 

\--

 

When Loki walked to the living room, he wasn’t alone. It was quite the opposite, because beside him Balder and Thor had tagged along with not even a tiny space to be persuaded to leave Loki alone with their parents.

 

“They’re going to know sooner or later,” Odin commented with a shrug.

 

“Loki, honey-”

 

“I thought you liked me,” Loki cut in before Frigga could continue. “I thought you liked me being here. I like Thor. I like Balder. I like you. I don’t want to leave, please.” Loki was barely able to finish as his words turned into sobs and he was hardly able to breathe.

 

Then Balder started crying, because he truly believed that his parents were going to make Loki leave. _Why were their parents doing this?_

 

Then it was Frigga who couldn’t hold her tears, because goodness, Loki’s fear of being abandoned from their care was much worse than she expected it to be and she never intended to worry the boy. Odin and she simply wanted to tell him that-

 

“We want to adopt you. We want you to be our son.” She said in tears.

 

And there was nothing, but the sound of silence, maybe a bit of sniffles, for the next thirty seconds until Loki was running towards his foster parents to be hugged.

 

Then Balder and Thor joined, crying. Of course, they didn’t know exactly what was going on, but they saw Loki smile. And they saw their parents smile. And Thor knew what the word ‘adopt’ meant and it was a good word, especially when it had to do with Loki. So surely, everything was alright.

 

That evening became the evening when everyone in the house shed tears.

 

\--

 

Frigga and Odin became busy with filling out forms to complete the adoption process and Loki’s scars didn’t come back as often to hurt him, although that didn’t stop the three boys from squeezing in and sharing Thor’s bed together.

 

“It’s a long process, darlings, so we all have to stay patient, okay?” Frigga said.

 

The boys nodded eagerly and wished that day will come soon.

 

\--

 

Before Frigga and Odin could decide whether it was safe for their children to see what had happened, the boys had seen and heard on numerous channels and radio programs about the monster attack that was destroying the big and beautiful city of San Francisco.

 

It was reported that it had came from the sea. It jumped right out of the water to the bridge, destroying everything on its way. The world watched in disbelief as the news showed clips of the monster rampaging through the streets, easily knocking down tall skyscrapers as they were nothing.

 

It took the United States a whole full week to destroy the creature and the cost was tragic. The nation finally admitted that there was no other solution but to drop a nuclear bomb. Along with the monster, tens of thousands of lives have gone.

 

When it was over, people all around the world celebrated the death of the monster, _Kaiju,_ some called it, and mourned for the innocent lives lost and the brave soldiers who fought against the impossible creature.

 

\--

 

The first sign of memory lapses were reported throughout the world after the first attack. It felt like a dream, a giant monster destroying one of the largest cities in the world. So their minds tricked them to believe so, that _it was all a dream._

 

\--

 

This so called _dream_ , however, returned to haunt them once again. This time it was Manila. The second monster was as huge as the one before, but its appearance slightly different, yet the damage was just as catastrophic. In a few days, Manila came to ruins as the monster was destroyed through another drop of a nuclear bomb.

 

\--

 

 _Was it ever going to end?_ People started questioning by the third attack. _If the only solution to destroy these monsters were through nuclear bombs killing thousands and millions of people along with them, will there be anyone left in this Earth in the end?_

 

\--

 

Meanwhile, Thor had turned 13. “You’re a teenager now!” Balder had exclaimed in fascination. And within five weeks, their little brother, Loki, had turned nine. The family had gathered around the dining table, blowing out candles, cutting cakes, and taking goofy pictures.

 

However, ever since these monster attacks, not to mention the slow adoption process, everyone had been carrying a small weight on their shoulders and the weight was becoming heavier and heavier as days gone by.

 

\--

 

Frigga’s frustrated voice filled the room located at the end of hall and echoed through the hall, reaching the boys’ ears. She was talking on the phone with someone. The boys couldn’t help but eavesdrop on what was going on, because they knew it had to do with Loki and the adoption process.

 

“What do you mean you’re going to replace him to another home?”

“Do you even know what that would do to the boy?”

“No, this is ridiculous. Are you even thinking about the boy at all?”

“No, what you’re doing is you’re making up reasons to take him away from _his_ home!”

“Yes, my husband beat up some man 14 years ago. And do you know why he did it? It was because that monster couldn’t keep his hands off me!”

“You were aware of his criminal record when we applied to take him in!”

“I will never give up. I will never let go of that boy. You just wait and see. I will have him under my protection no matter what.”

 

In the end, Frigga’s voice was shaking in such fury that the boys’ hearts beat faster than ever. They had never seen her that angry before.

 

Loki was crying. He was hurting again. And this time, both Thor and Balder knew what caused Loki to hurt. They sat beside him in silence. Soon, Thor saw Balder’s shoulders shake next to Loki’s.

 

“I don’t want you to go,” Balder cried out.

 

“I don’t want to go,” Loki answered. His tears were stinging his face again, reddening his cheeks.

 

Thor stood from the floor and grabbed a box of tissue from the nightstand. He gave a handful to Loki and another handful to Balder telling them to wipe their tears.

 

Thor was sad.

Thor was angry.

Thor was confused.

 

But he bit the inside of his cheeks hard to stop himself from crying and repeated over and over again, “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to stay with us.”

 

\--

 

Less than a month after the phone call, Loki was forcefully taken away from the family.

 

“We are going to find you better parents, darling,” the woman had said as she bent down to make eye contact with Loki with her sweet, comforting smile.

 

Odin had never felt so helpless in his life.

Frigga had never felt so angry in her life.

Thor had never felt so scared in his life.

Balder had never felt so sad in his life.

Loki had never felt so alone in his life.

 

\--

 

“We will fight tooth and nail to bring him back.” Odin stated firmly.

 

“Going to trial means the child will have to speak in court, being asked uncomfortable questions in an atmosphere that scares him. You know how Loki is; he is a quiet child. I’m worried how this will affect him in the end.” Frigga said, her voice shaking with tears. She had been crying nearly every day since Loki had been taken away.

 

“We have to have faith. It’s going to be tough at first, but in the end, when Loki comes back to us, we have to believe that everything will go back to being okay.” Odin placed his hand on Frigga’s shoulder.

 

Thor and Balder had eavesdropped on the conversation sitting on the middle of the stairs. Balder wiped his tears with his pajama sleeve that was already wet and Thor softly dibbed the tissue he brought on his cheeks.

 

“You heard him, Balder. It’s going to be okay.” He whispered as he hugged his brother and helped him back to their room.

 

\--

 

Thor hated seeing Loki’s empty bed. It looked so cold. Thor buried himself in Loki’s bed, his red blanket spread across the small green bed. He liked Loki’s green blanket. He didn’t like it for himself. He liked the color on Loki. He wanted nothing more than Loki to come back to his bed and wrap his green blanket on his body. _He must be cold_ , he thought _._

 

\--

 

Thor and Balder had to wake up early to attend the first trial with their parents. They were dressed neatly in button up shirts and slacks. The drive to the city was long. The family rarely drove to the city. _There’s just too many people to handle_ , Frigga used to say. Today, she looked like a woman going to war, determined.

 

\--

 

Loki sat on the passenger seat next to one of the ladies from the Department of Human Services. His hands were shaking, but he hid them by sticking his hands inside his pockets. She was a nice lady, but Loki didn’t need her. What Loki needed was his home, where Odin, Frigga, Thor and Balder were. He just wanted to go home.

 

\--

 

_We just received news that there has been another Kaiju attack. The air force is already on their way. We are unsure of the exact situation as of now, but we will give you updates as soon as we receive more news._

_Once again, we have just received news that there has been another Kaiju attack. This will be the fourth attack since the first attack in San Francisco. As of now, we are unsure as to …_

 

\--

 

The van swiveled several times before coming to a stop hitting one of the stores on the street. Glasses shattered. Through the broken glasses, there were screams and footsteps echoing the ground.

 

Frigga unbuckled their seatbelts. _Run! You boys start running where those people are going! I’m going to get your dad and we’ll meet you there! Hurry!_

 

Balder cried, the side of his head bleeding and the blood dripping down his chin. He didn’t want to leave their parents, but Thor did as he was told and he held onto his brother, his grip tight enough to bruise.

 

Thor heard an explosion, but before he could turn around, the force from the explosion had pushed them many feet away. He had held his brother securely under his arms.

 

Through his blurring vision, Thor couldn’t find the van where their parents were. Balder wasn’t waking up. No matter how hard he shook him, he wasn’t moving. He heard a terrifying roar from afar and steps so heavy the ground shook.

 

He wiped his tears roughly, stinging his cheeks. There was no one to wipe them away for him anymore.

 

 _“I’m going to kill you!”_ He shouted over and over in the middle of the desolated street.

 

“Thor?” Balder had woken up several minutes later, his voice weak. His head hurt and he had never felt this dizzy before. Thor was standing and shouting something, but he couldn’t hear any of it. His ears hurt, too.

 

Balder saw that Thor was running towards him, his tears staining his face. He wanted to get up and run over to him, too, but his body felt heavy. He wanted nothing, but to sleep at the moment.

 

Thor’s steps were becoming slower, heavier. Balder remembered that Thor wore a white shirt today, but the color had turned red.

 

Thor had fallen to the ground and Balder had finally given into sleep.

 

\--

 

Loki ran and ran until he lost one of his shoes and even then, he ran. He couldn’t stop thinking about the lady who was driving him to court. He couldn’t stop thinking about her dead body that wouldn’t stop bleeding.

 

_Where was everyone? Where did everyone go?_

_Somebody help me!_

 

“I just want to go home.” He sobbed.

 

“Mom, dad, I just want to go home.” He was going to call Mr. and Mrs. Odin, his dad and mom. He was going to call them that once they met in court.

 

“Somebody help!” He shouted and his small voice echoed in empty streets, smokes rising from ruined cars and buildings.

 

There was no answer. So he shouted again and again until he heard an answer.

 

The answer came with a roar and two terrifying, yellow eyes.

 

Loki ran and ran as fast as he could. The ground shook like there was an earthquake as the yellow eyed monster chased him. Quickly, Loki made a right turn and hid behind the dumpster hoping the monster might go the other way.

 

“ _Thor, make it okay. Thor, make it okay. Thor, please make it okay. Thor, make it okay._ ” It was like a prayer. He needed Thor. He needed Balder. He needed his family. He didn’t want to be alone like this. “ _Thor, I’m so scared. Make it okay._ ”

 

He had heard the monster’s roar so close by that he knew he was going to die when something had pulled the creature away from the dumpster. There were such deafening, loud noises afterwards, but Loki didn’t dare move from the dumpster where he was hiding.

 

Finally, silence had returned after a loud thud that shook the ground once more.

 

Loki got up from the dirty ground and walked out carefully from the alley. From afar, he saw the monster thrown on the ground, defeated and dead. Closer to him, to his disbelief, was a giant robot that reminded him of Thor’s robot figurines. The sun was setting and Loki held his hand to cover his eyes from the bright light.

 

The top of the robot head had opened and came out a tall soldier with a comforting smile on his face. With tears streaming down his face, Loki had smiled back, biting back his tears.

 

He knew it. _Thor had come to rescue him using his robot to destroy the monster._

 

The pilot rushed towards the little boy as he fell to the ground, his sad smile still lingering on his face.

 

\--

 

“How’s the boy?” asked Laufey, his voice filled with concern.

 

“Just like everyone else here in the hospital; scared, confused and unable to remember a damn thing that happened in the city,” Dr. Banner answered tiredly, taking his glasses off to rub his tired eyes. A good friend of Laufey’s, Dr. Banner had been volunteering at every attack sites to help the victims.

 

“Is he still refusing to talk?”

 

“Laufey, get it right. He’s not _refusing_ to talk. He’s unable to speak due to all the stress he’s gone under recently. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out and nothing will come out until his mind accepts that it’s going to okay. And I doubt it’s going to okay anytime soon for him. We have no records of him anywhere and the worst part is that no one’s looking for that poor child. I’ve been looking for days of any calls that might be asking for a pale, raven haired boy, but no; no one.” Banner buried himself in one of the office couches. Laufey knew that there was no point in telling him to go take a few days off. This man was relentless when it came to helping people.

 

“Do you think he remembers anything? Have you tried making him write anything down?”

 

“I doubt he remembers anything at all. He was able to write his first name, _Loki_ , but he couldn’t write his last name down. He wrote he was ten, but he couldn’t remember his birth date or anything else.” Banner sighed loudly, stretching his tired legs.

 

“He’s not the only one with these memory lapses though. There were two brothers who came in together to the hospital the same day you brought Loki in, one with a concussion, the other one with a mild cut across his stomach. When they woke up, they didn’t even know why they were in a hospital. They said their parents were driving to the city for some important reason, but that’s all they could remember. Now, their uncle, who picked them up a few hours ago, has to go home and explain to them that both their parents had died and that we couldn’t find their bodies since it’s most likely too ruined, or corroded when the fuckin’ monster bled out all over the goddamn city. All of this is so messed up, Laufey,” Banner said as he hid his face under his hands in despair and all Laufey could do in return was to squeeze his shoulder.

 

\--

 

Now nearly a teenager, Loki was placed under one of the biggest youth houses in the country. There were an increasing number of children who had lost their parents due to Kaiju attacks and the government had provided them with necessary needs and most of all, protection from further attacks. All the children sharing the facility with Loki had been survivors of the attacks and many had become close friends sharing their loneliness.

 

\--

 

Laufey’s weekly visits, and sometimes biweekly visits when he was especially busy, to Loki had stopped momentarily and Loki had been staring at the window, waiting for the man in his fancy green uniform to show up with exciting stories.

 

\--

 

There had been no visit from Laufey for five weeks and Loki was scared that maybe he had been hurt fighting those monsters. That night, he hid himself under the blankets and cried silently not to wake anyone else. His face stung from crying too much.

 

\--

 

When Laufey finally came to visit him, Loki had run down the stairs all the way to the entrance to greet him. Loki knew right away that something was wrong and his heart beat fast, not from running, but from worrying.

 

“Is everything okay?” Loki asked looking at the man’s exhausted face.

 

“You wanna go outside for a walk?” Laufey said in a calm voice.

 

They walked around the facility in silence until they found a bench to sit down. Loki looked into Laufey’s eyes and the boy’s eyes were so full of worry and care that his heart ached even more. His façade shattered into pieces and he held Loki’s hands carefully, tears dropping down their hands.

 

“Would you like to go home with me, Loki?” Laufey said with his voice hoarse from all the crying, or more so from the _not_ crying, since he had been gritting his teeth hard every time to stop himself from crying whenever tears blurred his eyes. “I know I’m not the best person to take you in, but I’ll do my best. Let’s do our best. Let’s stop being alone.” His hands shook as he finally admitted that he was alone. He was left all alone in this world.

 

He should have known when his copilot, Farbauti, retired in such a rush. He should have known better, as her copilot, that her excuse for leaving the Corps was bullshit.

 

“Go find another dashing copilot, Ranger,” she said forcing out a smile after their big argument over the vagueness of her reason in leaving. He should have known that something was wrong. For heaven’s sake, they were Jaeger copilots. They were connected mind and body.

 

_It’s cancer. We’ve been exposed, Laufey; exposed too long to our baby Jaeger’s nuclear reactor. I’ll be receiving treatment, I promise, but I’m going to face the reality. There’s not many days left for me here._

 

Laufey had taken Loki to the hospital once. Loki had hated hospitals, but he was hesitant to say _no_ when it was Laufey who had asked him to accompany him to see his best friend. She was a beautiful woman with short, red hair. She squeezed his hand and whispered to him, “You take care of him for me, okay?” and Loki had nodded promisingly.

 

“Don’t cry,” Loki said worriedly hugging the big man in front of him.

 

“She’s gone, Loki. She’s gone and I can’t feel her anymore.” For the first time in a very long time, he felt lost. He had lost. He had lost to his emotions this time and he knew that he could no longer remain as a Jaeger pilot, especially when he knew he’d be focusing on one memory, Farbauti.

 

\--

 

“Wow, are those robots?” Loki asked in fascination, his hand holding Laufey’s as Laufey guided him to his new home, Kodiak Island, Alaska, where Laufey would be teaching at the Jaeger Academy.

 

“Those are called Jaegers. They’re magnificent, aren’t they? They’re the only ones that are strong enough to fight off the Kaiju. Two pilots become connected as one and they drive the Jaeger together.” Laufey’s eyes looked afar as he thought of his training days with Farbauti and their last missions together, saving Loki on the way.

 

“Can I drive a Jaeger?” Loki asked and Laufey could already see the boy imagining himself in the Conn-Pod driving the Jaeger with his copilot. It was an image that would make him proud, but he would not risk the child’s life, never.

 

“Someday, kid, someday,” he answered.

 

\--

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Thor asked unable to hide his surprise.

 

“What do you think? The same reason you’re here, brother.” Balder answered with a smirk.

 

“You don’t know what you’re signing up for. Balder, you’re a smart kid. You can do so much more than driving these Jaegers. Sign up for K-Science! They need brilliant kids like you there.” Thor said in a rush, walking backwards trying to block Balder from enlisting for the Jaeger Academy.

 

“Thor, we’re brothers. Who better than me as your copilot? We’re definitely Drift compatible. Besides, who’s going to keep you out of trouble? You can barely keep your fists away from those boys at school. You be the fist, I’ll be the brain, okay?” Balder replied, easily pushing his brother away.

 

“Balder, I don’t want you getting hurt!” Thor shouted and finally, that stopped his brother from walking forward. Thor could see his brother’s face had hardened and he knew that Balder had already thought over this, that he wasn’t just signing up for fun.

 

“Thor, if you’re doing it, then I’m doing it. All I have left is _you_. You can’t just leave me behind expecting me to cheer for you from the sidelines while you go risk your life fighting those Kaiju. We’re in this _together_.” Balder said firmly.

 

\--

 

Thor and Balder Odinson enlisted into PPDC’s Jaeger Academy.

 

Balder was one of the youngest ones to enlist into the Academy, yet became one of the brightest along with his brother.

 

\--

 

Balder first caught a glimpse of it during their earlier combat simulations as Thor’s memories started to drift, his memories showed Thor sharing a chaste kiss with another boy.

 

“So did you not tell me because you were worried I might hate you, or because you already thought that I knew you were into men?” Balder asked with a playful smile on his face.

 

“What’s there to tell? I’m dating someone and that’s it.” Thor cleared his throat and busily looked elsewhere.

 

“So, is dark hair and pale complexion a thing of yours? ‘Cause I remember seeing you _experimenting_ with girls with those same features in middle school _and_ high school,” Balder teased and he’s soon punched on the side by Thor.

 

\--

 

The combat simulations were great. Hell, they have never felt more powerful in their lives. The Drift, however, was a different story.

 

As children, after the Kaiju attack that killed their parents, both Balder and Thor suffered from memory lapses. During the neural handshake, memory lapses meant unpredictability. And such unpredictability was something no one in the Jaeger Program enjoyed, especially when there was 2,700 tons of unpredictability already destroying the city.

 

\--

 

They saw pieces of memories. They saw their mother yelling at them to run with the crowd. They saw their father bleeding and unable to move. They heard the explosion.

 

They heard the angry voice of their mother. They held hands together. Thor gave handful of tissues to wipe the tears away. He said it was going to be okay.

 

They huddled together in Thor’s bed after watching a scary movie. They ran around the kitchen together laughing and roaring pretending to be scary monsters.

 

They saw a little boy with raven hair whose eyes were filled with sadness and hurt. He said that he had no home, that he didn’t belong anywhere.

 

 _But you belong with us_ , the brothers both yelled inside their minds.

 

\--

 

The Drift had once again failed. They had focused on one memory for far too long. The technicians had given them a pitiful look. The Odinson brothers had exceeded in every other categories with the exception of the Drifting process.

 

\--

 

“They just need some time for those resurfacing memories to settle in their minds. It’s typical for people with memory lapses.” Dr. Banner had advised Laufey, when he was frustrated with the delay caused by the brothers. “They’re just like Loki, but less severe,” the Doctor added.

 

Laufey did want to give them time, but the truth was there was no time to waste when another Kaiju could attack at any moment. He needed these Rangers ready to go.

 

\--

 

“I’m sorry.” Balder said glumly as they returned to their bunk. “I’m keeping us behind.”

 

“Balder, we’re in this together, remember? The Drift is between _you_ and _me_. Don’t blame yourself for something _we_ did together.” Thor reminded him.

 

“Actually,” Balder bit his lips nervously and Thor knew that he was keeping something to himself and for a moment, he wondered how he didn’t notice this, _feel_ this, during the Drift.

 

“It is _my_ fault this time. I intentionally focused on those fragments of memories we lost, because I wanted to see them, to _feel_ them. Don’t you ever feel like a piece of you missing? It’s like this big chunk of me has been ripped out and I want to know what they are. I knew the Drift would combine our memories together and I thought maybe you have different pieces of memories I’m missing, that together, we’ll complete our memories. With that hope, I kept forgetting that we’re not here to search for lost memories; we’re here to fight those Kaiju.”

 

Balder spoke with such strong remorse that Thor cringed as his mind felt it, too. Even after several trials of the Drift, he still had a difficult time adjusting to this change. It seemed like he had a small space inside him reserved just for Balder even after the Drift was over. At times like now, when Balder felt strongly emotional, Thor had to control himself from being influenced by his mood. This so called _Ghost Drifting_ was an anomaly of the Drifting process.

 

“Hey,” Thor said with his big brother smile as Balder looked up. “You know your fault and you know how to fix it. That makes it alright. Next time, don’t chase it. Just let it flow. You know what they say here in the Academy. _Never chase the rabbit._ Stick to the game.”

 

Balder threw him a small smile that wasn’t enough for Thor. So he pulled his brother up to his feet and nudged him towards the door. “Let’s go to the combat room and show off,” Thor said with a smirk and Balder finally laughed a little like his brother wanted him to.

 

As they headed out to the combat room, however, Balder couldn’t stop thinking about the raven haired boy he saw. _Who was he?_

 

\--

 

“Wake up, sleeping beauty,” Thor’s loud voice ringed inside the small bunk he and his brother shared. Balder buried himself even deeper under layers of thick blankets. “Balder, wake up! It’s time to hunt down some Kaiju!”

 

It had been two years since they enlisted into the Jaeger Academy. Now graduated and assigned to Jaeger Mark-3, Viking Thunder, they had already fought several Kaiju in the span of one year. Their fourth and current deployment was in Anchorage, Alaska, known as “the Icebox,” the coldest shatterdome.

 

Finally being called to mission after weeks of training and no sign of a Kaiju, Thor prepared excitedly roaming around their small room. “Since you turned 19 last month, I’ll let you throw the last punch to knock the Kaiju down,” he said as he changed out of his sweatpants.

 

“Thor, shut up,” Balder mumbled as he got up from bed. “What time is it anyways?”

 

“2 am. Let’s get the party started!”

 

\--

 

“Thor, don’t get too excited. Focus on the objective and always stay alert.” Balder advised as they stepped inside the Conn-Pod, Balder on the right and Thor on the left.

 

“Okay, _mother_. Or should I say, yes, sir, Marshall Laufey?” Thor teased and he saw that Balder would have punched him on the side if it wasn’t for the technicians busily “dressing” them up for the mission.

 

\--

 

“Rangers, this is Marshall Laufey. Today’s objective is to defend the city from Category 3 Kaiju. Focus on the objective and stay alert.” Laufey’s voice rang loud and clear from the intercom. Thor snorted as his words were identical to what Balder had said earlier.

 

_Initiating neural handshake in fifteen seconds._

 

“You ready, partner?” Thor said as he inhaled and exhaled deeply.

 

Balder gave him a thumps up with an assuring smile. “Let’s get started.”

 

_Neural handshake initiated._

 

\--

 

“Balder, stay with me. You stay with me!” Thor shouted with desperation.

 

The Kaiju had been destroyed, blasted with Viking Thunder’s plasma caster. However, it was too late. The Kaiju had been destroyed _after_ it had torn off the left arm of the Jaeger. The Kaiju had been destroyed _after_ the Comm. had been disconnected from the Command Center. The Kaiju had been destroyed _after_ its claws, strong enough to tear through metal and steel, had punctured the right side of the Conn-Pod. The claw had pierced Balder’s stomach viciously; the pain was overwhelming for the both of them.

 

Thor wanted to tear the harness off of him. The pain was _too_ real for him. He felt as if he’d lost a limb. And more than anything, he wanted to tear the harness off of him so he could run to his little brother, his harness broken from the Kaiju’s claws tearing in. He was bleeding too much.

 

_You keep moving, Thor. Take the Jaeger back to the Shore. Keep moving._

 

Balder bit his lips swallowing his pained moans. Instead, he spoke again and again through his mind to take the Jaeger back to the shore. He could feel that Thor was in pain, too. He could feel the sickening worry and sadness inside Thor. He wanted to take the harness off and run to him, Balder knew, but Thor was the only one currently capable of driving the Jaeger back to the shore.

 

“I’m fine, Thor,” Balder squeezed out with a smile, but his words turned into coughs and soon, he was coughing blood out.

 

“Shut the hell up and focus on the objective: we’re going home, alright? That’s our new objective. We’re going home, brother. We’re gonna take a break. We’re gonna go home and stay at uncle’s farm for a while and we’re gonna kick our cousins’ asses. Balder, you stay with me!” Thor yelled in pain as he drove the Jaeger one step forward at a time to the shore.

 

The freezing winter wind was seeping through broken parts of the Jaeger. Balder was losing too much blood too fast and he needed to stay warm. He needed to get back to shore quickly.

 

_I miss home. When we were young… Uncle said I used to worry everyone so much when I was little ‘cause I used to get sick all the time._

_You won’t have to worry about me anymore._

 

“Balder, don’t you dare say that! You stay with me! You can’t leave me like this! You can’t!”

 

_It’s going to be okay, Thor. It’s going to be-_

 

“No! No! Balder, stay with me! No!”

 

Thor couldn’t feel him anymore. He couldn’t feel his pain, his fear, his sadness, nothing. He couldn’t feel Balder anywhere. Yet, the small space within his mind reserved just for his little brother wouldn’t stop searching for him, calling for him.

 

\--

 

_Balder Odinson (19); deceased: February 29, 2020_

 

\--

 

“Sir, is everything alright?” Laufey turned around from the computer screen he’s been staring at for nearly an hour. Loki was standing by the door with worried eyes. He’d returned from the Academy for a short break.

 

At first, Laufey was against the boy enlisting in the Academy, but there was no stopping him. He’d been in love with Jaegers ever since he’s been saved by one.

 

“Yeah, I’m just filing a report about the incident that happened a couple days ago.” Laufey answered in a low voice. He reached for his bottle of water, only to find out that he’d finished it a long ago.

 

“Here,” Loki placed the new bottle on his desk with a small smile. “It’s about Viking Thunder, isn’t it? It’s a miracle that only one of the pilots died, though.”

 

“Is it a miracle?” Laufey asked, more to himself than to Loki. It was a rare case, only one pilot dying in a fight against Kaiju. Most cases, it would have been both pilots as the Kaiju destroyed the Jaeger into pieces.

 

 _Was surviving this really a miracle?_ Unlike other pilots, Laufey knew exactly what Thor was going through and he knew he won’t stop searching for his brother’s presence within his mind for a very long time until he finally came to accept that Balder would never be coming back. The emptiness within would be indescribably painful.

 

“May I?” Loki asked carefully pointing at the computer screen and Laufey nodded.

 

Loki tilted the computer screen, staring into the pilots’ faces. They were both young man. The deceased one was barely 19 years old. Loki cringed at the unexpected wave of sadness and pity he felt for them.

 

“Is Thor Odinson staying with the Jaeger Program?” He asked, his eyes still fixed on the screen.

 

“No, Odinson resigned. He didn’t say much about his future plans.” Laufey answered worriedly. He remembered the boy’s face. The Jaeger had fallen on the snowy shore of Anchorage. Thor had held his brother’s cold body and refused to let go.

 

“Maybe he’ll go back to his family.” Loki wondered finally turning his eyes back to Laufey.

 

“He and his brother lost his parents in a Kaiju attack. They don’t have any immediate family members.” Frustrated, Laufey turned the screen off and finally turned his attention to his son. “How’s the academy?”

 

“You know how I’m doing. I’m one of your students.” Loki said as he sat across Laufey.

 

“What about the Drifting process?” Laufey didn’t miss Loki’s face hardening.

 

“It’s going. Slowly, but it’s going.” Loki muttered with a slight pout.

 

“Make sure you focus on the objective and-“

 

“Stay alert. I know, I know.” Loki finished as he stood up.

 

“Good night.” He gave his father a brief hug as he left for his room.

 

\--

 

Loki couldn’t sleep. His heart kept aching. Tears kept flowing down his face. His cheeks were stinging, red and irritated from all the tears.

 

_Crying stings your face._

_I don’t want you to go._

_It’s going to be okay._

 

Strange voices rang inside his head. Images flashed across his eyes quicker than he could comprehend. Then there it was; the roar and the yellow eyes.

 

“No!” He shouted throwing his fists in the air. “Stop it! Stop!” He covered his ears and shut his eyes at the overwhelming fear and pain invading his mind.

 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Shh, it’s alright, Loki. It’s okay.” Laufey had run to his room and embraced him tight, telling him it was all just a bad dream, that it was going to be okay.

 

He had gone more than three months without having a breakdown.

 

Now it was back to day zero.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is greatly appreciated
> 
> also posted on [tumblr](http://ambiguouslines.tumblr.com/tagged/seared)


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